David Letterman Cheats on Wife, Spends More Time Apologizing to Public Than Wife

David Letterman was about to be blackmailed by a really desperate guy until he decided to tell everyone about his affairs himself at the risk of being totally, and completely owned.

Oddly, he's spending more time on his show apologizing to his wife, Regina Lasko than he is making her feel like a natural wo-man at home.

Polls are coming out asking women if they'll still watch Letterman despite his cheating ways. Most of the women who replied never watched Letterman in the first place.

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Bad Young Celebrity Behavior Linked to Bad Home Life, God-Awful Parents

A really scientific study was published on the link between parental guidance and celebrity behavior and the conclusion was not earth-shattering at all. Everyone was really disappointed when they discovered that they knew why young celebrities acted like little ungrateful, self-destructive brats all along. Their parents are really terrible. However, little attention is drawn toward young male celebrities, because when they do drugs, screw random women, and party all the time, they are "rock stars." A study on this display of sexism was proposed and immediately shot down because it would be "really eye-opening and lame."

News Media to Refer to Everything as a "Scandal"

In order to increase readership and viewership, the entire news media has decided to refer to everything as a "scandal." Boom Pole of the Associated Press said this move will probably increase interest in even the most mundane news stories, "Every new film opening is now referred to as a "film scandal," Pole said, "even this lame local story I'm working on about these gradeschool kids who put on a Dora the Explorer play is going to be titled, "Kids Engaged in Dora the Explorer Scandal." Many have complained about the news media's overuse of the word "scandal" when referring to stories that even warrant such a word. However, words such as "scuffle," "extravaganza," "massacre," and "bloodshed" have also started to irritate readers and viewers like Violet Reed, "Not only is a construction worker getting a papercut not newsworthy, it also doesn't deserve the title, "Construction Worker Overcome by Massacre by Scuffle with Paper, Bloodshed, Extravaganza," Reed said.

Robyn Moore Divorces Mel Gibson Because "He's Kind of a Douche."

When asked why she decided to divorce Mel Gibson, Robyn Moore stated, "I don't know if you guys noticed, but he's kind of a douche." Robyn Moore could end up with half of Gibson's estate, which is estimated in the billions, but according to Moore, this isn't the triggering reason for the divorce. "I thought his whole bible-thumping hatred of Jews was a joke. Seriously, I was laughing when he told me he was going to make a movie demonizing Jews as "Christ-killers." Then, The Passion of the Christ came out and I was like, whaaa?" Moore stated. Gibson is distraught over the divorce and is asking for privacy as the divorce proceedings commence. Gibson then yelled out an anti-Semitic slur and grabbed his package.

Summer Glau Kinda Looks Like Sigourney Weaver and Christina Ricci's Love Child

Sources close to Summer Glau came to a consensus that she looks like Sigourney Weaver and Christina Ricci. "We were like, standing at a water cooler talking about it and we were trying to figure out who she reminded us of," Paul Thomkins, Glau's make-up artist stated, "Someone said she looked like Teila Tequila, and we almost went with that, but we just didn't feel right reducing Summer to an STD-infested whore." Glau was unavailable to comment as she locked herself in a closet crying over The Sara Chronicles show being cancelled.

Freecreditreport.com Guy Suing Freecreditreport.com

Eric Violette, better known as the freecreditreport.com guy is suing freecreditreport.com for fraudulent business practices. He decided to use the service, but discovered that freecreditreport.com isn't free at all, "I was very shocked, and found it really ironic, so ironic that I almost forgot about the whole situation because it was just so ridiculously ironic. Someone should make a movie out of this," Violette stated. No one from the service was available to comment, but one customer, Very Sherri is also upset with the service for a different reason, "I thought maybe if I used the service, I could give my number to the freecreditreport.com guy. He's pretty attractive. Turns out, that's really, really creepy."

Hugh Jackman On Oscars: "I didn't know the cameras were on."

Hugh Jackman apparently had no idea the Oscar telecast was live. In fact, he didn't even know the cameras were on. "I was just kind of joking around to loosen the crowd up," Jackman stated. During rehearsals, Jackman practiced a completely different routine from what was seen live on Sunday night. There wasn't supposed to be a musical number with Beyonce, or a musical tribute to the movies of 2008. "The routines Hugh learned were different from what you saw in that they weren't utterly and completely sucky," said show producer Chimmy Cheroo.