Dan Ryan Expressway Construction Destroyed U.S. Economy

Government officials have now traced the poor economy to the source: the Dan Ryan construction in Chicago.

Even though the Dan Ryan construction "finished" in October of last year, its effect can still be felt on the suffering economy. The construction cost $975 million dollars. "That's almost a billion dollars," money expert Raequon Taylor stated. When asked for his expert opinion on how to fix the economy, he had this to say, "Uh, I don't know. I just know that 975 million dollars is almost 1 billion dollars. Is that right?"

Obama Adopts "Obama Happy, Obama Pissed" Security Advisory System

Barack Obama announced a new security notification system that would replace President Bush's multi-colored alert system. Instead of a 5-level system, the threat on national security will be interpreted two ways:



Obama Happy



Obama Pissed


Security advisors find this method less confusing and more telling of the true threat of terror on the United States.

Prince Harry Sorry for Nazi Costume, "Paki" Slurs, Hating Minorities

Prince Harry publicly apologized for his recent hatred of minorities. "He doesn't mean it. He just made a mistake," Harry's aunt Poppycock Chiroo said. Prince Harry only recently apologized for a string of insensitive racial gestures he made, and observers wonder why he even bothers apologizing for being a racist asshole, "He could just stop wasting people's time apologizing for his faux pas and just come out as a racist," observer Jimmy Joe Walker said, "I did it a couple of years back, and it's a breath of fresh air not having to apologize for my hatred of Black people." Racist advocate groups came from the woodworks to support Harry in this trying time. The Racists With Love group defended Harry's overt insensitivity and plan on having him on the front cover of their quarterly magazine.

Consensus on Blagojevich Impeachment: "Well, Duh."

Ilinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was impeached Friday by the Illinois House of Representatives, and most people aren't really sure why this is news. One observer, Latoya Wilson, had this to say, "They really could've just not reported it. Everyone pretty much assumed that he was getting impeached. Think of all the trees that had to be killed to provide the newspapers that probably had this as the headline. Newsflash! We already know!" Wilson looked very proud of her well-timed cliché and is thinking about doing stand-up.

LL's Constant Lip Licking Caused by Mild Seizures

LL Cool J.'s signature lip licking was completely unintentional for all his life. According to his publicist, O. Yeah, every time LL licks his lips, he's actually having a seizure, "He has a rare form of epilepsy where he has these constant seizures but can still function normally." LL didn't want to cause people any alarm, so he lied and told people he was doing it to be sexy. When LL became famous, he made it part of his image so fans wouldn't question the frequency of his lip licking. Now, he wants the public to know the truth behind it. "Truth is, I never saw anything sexy about it," Mike Flannery said, "I think it's kind of unsanitary, and gross." Flannery then proceeded to shove a finger up his nose.

Latifah Proud of Body, Wants To Lose 500 Pounds

Queen Latifah started the Jenny Craig diet and already lost 20 pounds. While she champions her figure and curves, she wants to eventually lose 500 pounds. Diet experts were baffled at her plan, "She doesn't even weigh enough to lose that much. She'd be losing negative pounds, which is impossible," said Dr. Micheal Crayton Hammer, a dietician and physician at the University of Waynebrady hospitals. Astrophyicist Dr. Jam Jam had very startling predictions if Latifah succeeds, "Ultimately, she'll become a black hole and all of human civilization will be doomed." What most observers find puzzling is how she spent many years speaking about how she was comfortable in her skin and with her weight, but she started a diet regimen. They had the same issues with America Ferrara and Jennifer Love Hewitt, who both were public about loving their bodies, and yet they've both dieted and lost weight. "No one is proud of their body. No one." Dr. Hammer said.

MTV Formally Apologizes for Laguna Beach, The Hills, Brody Jenner, Heidi Montag, Bromance, etc.

MTV entertainment president Brian Graden apologized on behalf of the network for Laguna Beach and everything else it spawned, "We now realize how insanely annoying all of this is." he stated. A recent study conducted at the University of Waynebrady showed that most people didn't like Laguna Beach and only watched it because it came on right before Celebrity Deathmatch. Unfortunately, this unintentional viewership lead the media to believe it was really popular. Their constant vacuous reports on the cast members lead a gullible fraction of the public to believe they were relevant, so they bought into their contrived images. "I'm still not exactly sure what makes them so fascinating. They cry a lot and have a lot of drama that isn't really drama." Graden stated. He then sort of started staring into space and thought about how good MTV used to be, when they used to show music videos and interviews with musicians instead of absolute garbage. He remembered the good programs they used to have like Beavis and Butthead, Daria, and the Real World before they started putting oversexed Ambercrombie models on the show. Then, he stopped staring and said, "But we'd never cancel any of it. It makes us a whole lot of money. Like, bling-bling money, son."

R. Kelly Likes Really Old Ladies

After R. Kelly's jail bait scandal(s), he states he doesn't want to take anymore chances and is now dating very old women. "My age bracket is 70-80 at the moment. The 90 year-olds fall asleep too much." Kelly said. Kelly was spotted at very posh restaurants last week with his current date, Gertrude Wilson. According to his friend, "Mike," they've been up to no good, "Yeah, they've been kickin' it watching Wheel of Fortune and Matlock reruns, and they're taking a trip to Atlantic City in a couple of days." Kelly admits he's still attracted to younger women but is resisting temptation in order to avoid getting butt raped in jail, "My attraction to younger women is normal! I have 19-year-old friends!" Mike states, "By 19, he means 11."

Christina Aguilera, Lady Gaga Same Person

Publicists from both Christina Aguilera and Lady Gaga's camps confirmed that they are in fact the same person. Fans reported feeling shocked and confused at the announcement. Neither camp revealed the true identity of the woman, but just stated, "Everybody should just chill out. Jesus." One observer, Mike Flannery, says he doesn't really care either way, "I mean, they both make equally crappy music. I'm not exactly shocked, nor do I care." Mike then went back to his apartment, blasted some Elliot Smith, and marinated in the juices of his annoying musical elitism.